Mental health, money and me: Social anxiety and depression

Let me be clear: the internet and social media have flaws that affect people's mental health daily. That being said, one of the pros is it brings people who otherwise may not have spoken together and helps to spread messages with purpose and positive impact. World Mental Health Day is one of those messages worth sharing.

Mental health struggles are different, but one thing they all have in common is that when dealt with alone, they're isolating, and they get worse. So talking about its effects on more people than you may realise, isn't just important, it's imperative.

I'm "neurodiverse" and have pretty severe ADHD. That means that my brain processes things and functions differently to what we call "a neurotypical person." And, while I now love the way my brain works, the anxiety and depression that came along with it ran my life for quite some time. That is, until I got diagnosed and connected and shared with others in similar situations. Gone with the shame in came the acceptance, and now I see what I have as a huge plus and have taken steps to become a total finance queen-ish.

I wrote about my continuous journey with money and my mind, and two of my fabulous colleagues opened up to me about theirs.

Here’s one of them.

What is social anxiety and how does it affect people’s finances?

Social anxiety isn't as simple as feeling a bit nervous around people. It's an overwhelming, long-term mental health issue where social situations fill you with fear, affecting how you live and approach your life. As the NHS points out, many people who manage it also struggle with panic disorders, depression, or other mental health diagnoses.

Signs of social anxiety usually show themselves in the teenage years. In some instances, it can get better with age, but if it doesn't, treatment and therapy tend to be the next step. Symptoms can look like:

• Worrying about speaking to people and having conversations both in person and over the phone.
• Scared of engaging in daily activities like shopping, going to work, and social events, so avoiding them all together or whenever possible.
• Worrying about your social interactions and feeling embarrassed or questioning how you come across, often getting sweaty, shaking, avoiding eye contact, and having heart palpitations.
• Low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and imposter syndrome.

It isn't a one-size-fits-all diagnosis, and there will be so much I'm missing out, but hopefully, I've painted a picture.

Now, let’s talk finances.

Some people with social anxiety may put off having important financial discussions over the phone due to fear, find specific work environments stressful, and generally struggle to manage their money. I mentioned how mental health and money collide in my last article, but in case you didn't catch it, it's time for a few essential points from The Money and Mental Health Policy Institute and the charity Mind:

• When people are in a state of depression or anxiety, they tend to lack motivation to manage their finances, look after themselves, or even try as the situation feels so dire.

• There’s an £8,400 income gap between those who suffer from anxiety and depression and those who don’t.

• Spending can give people a brief high, leading to addictive overspending.

• Specific symptoms of mental health problems, like increased impulsivity and memory problems, make it a lot harder to stay out of financial difficulties. So, it's no surprise that 72% of Mind's survey respondents said their mental health problems put their financs in a worse state.

• Six in ten people found it more challenging to make financial decisions, 42% put off paying bills, and 38% took out a loan they would not otherwise have taken out.

• Life already feels hard enough, and people may avoid facing their finances, opening bills, and checking their bank accounts, especially if their financial and/or mental situation escalates.

• Roughly one in five people with mental health problems are in problem debt.

• Over one in three people who suffer from mental health problems experience severe anxiety when they have to communicate with services like banks; 76% of those with anxiety and depression said they find handling one communication channel difficult, and 41% said that phone calls were incredibly distressing for them.

To summarise, it isn't easy. The word easy doesn't even begin to cover it, but my colleague's words will.

Her story, in her words

Where it all began

When I was younger, I'd had periods of being super happy, but my lows became increasingly frequent. I think that's when my social anxiety first became a thing.

I developed 'Ritalin rage,' so I had high adrenaline literally all of the time. I kept having these outbursts I couldn't control, alongside depression and anxiety. The trial and error that came with switching my medication to see what suited me better meant I had to deal with new symptoms and side effects regularly. I'd say it made school and socialising difficult, but that would be an understatement.

I mentioned the anxiety and depression, but my family and I didn't realise how I was feeling was down to more than just my ADHD. Getting an ADHD diagnosis was, of course, helpful but it took the focus away from other stuff that was going on.

I thought my friends didn't like me, and I didn't like going to school. Then, my mental health deteriorated; I was bullied and stopped going to school entirely. Eventually, I got kicked out and put into another school where everything felt worse, and I felt like I didn't fit in at all. The change was hard, and what I was going through didn't change, so I dropped out. I say I dropped out, but I took a test that ended up being equal to a high school diploma.

I was consistently top of my class, consistently acing exams, and next thing you know, I consistently couldn't leave the house because of my anxiety and imposter syndrome. Even if I were getting ready to go, I'd find something wrong with me: My hair, my face, the way I generally looked, I guess. So I wouldn't leave my home, and staying away from the world felt like the safer option.

At that point, I stayed in, played video games, and slept. I mean, I mostly slept.

My Mom had to drag me out of bed to go and do things I loved, like singing practice. I was on a trajectory to have a big singing career. I sang with a symphony choir and was the only teenage member in their adult choir. I used to perform on stage in front of huge crowds, and my social anxiety stopped all of it.

As I got older, I couldn't stay home all the time anymore. I had to start working, and the only way I knew how to do that was by putting a mask on, so I worked as a cashier. It's always easier for me to interact with people when it isn't the full me, a persona. It makes me feel less exposed and vulnerable, almost like I'm playing a part or leaning into an alter ego.

But only feeling comfortable going into the world with a mask on is where my money issues began.

How it affected my finances

It started with a Japanese dollar shop next to my house that sold makeup and clothes you couldn't get in America. I'd go in to spend five dollars maximum and would leave having paid fifty. Still, it wasn't that bad because it was a physical store, and I had to go outside to buy stuff. And truth be told, fifty dollars was peanuts compared to what I spent later on.

Starting to get ads online is when it escalated. I could shop from the comfort of my home without seeing a single person. It was how I coped with my mental health until the solution became the problem.

I didn't realise how much I was spending, and having ADHD didn't help matters. You know, impulsivity, low dopamine, overwhelm, and all the rest of it.

I stopped looking at bills, and as things got worse, I needed to have essential calls with my bank that were too strenuous on my social anxiety. I didn't even like emailing. My Mom would have to go with me to the bank and do the talking for me.

Throughout that chapter of my money issues, I thought the only person I was hurting was myself. But when my partner and I wanted to stop doing long distance and move in together, I hurt him too, making me feel worse. We were saving up together so he could move to the States or I could go to Europe, but I couldn't stop. I hid the fact I'd blown all of my money away until I couldn't anymore. He was hurt, really hurt, and I had to stay in America longer than planned to earn back what we'd lost.

He's already my biggest supporter, but when it comes to my finances, he's helped me a lot. If I didn't have support, I can assure you, I would have spent every single dime I had and continued to get deeper and deeper into debt. Nothing would have stopped me because anxiety and depression contributed to low self-worth. I felt like I didn't deserve to feel better, even though the financial situation caused me stress. It was an act of self-harm; I didn't care how I felt. Still, I had to care when someone I loved came into the equation. When I finally had to be honest with someone else about my financial situation and mental health, it cleared the way for me to get help. There weren't any more secrets bubbling up inside of me. It was so cathartic to put my thoughts out into the open. Sharing them somehow took away their power.

Where I am now

I'm no longer in the dark space I was in, but sometimes, my brain wants to take me there. Social anxiety is still my number one, but what I find tricky is being low with no explanation. When I can't pinpoint what's caused a difficult slump, I can get quite down on myself. It isn't like it used to be, but it's there.

Practicing mindfulness and keeping my hobbies up helps, though. And I set goals in my personal and work life to stay motivated. When I started saving up for the move with my partner, it showed me that having something to look forward to helped. It took me out of a dark moment by giving me something hopeful for the future.

I also addressed my physical health and started to take vitamins I was deficient in. I didn't realise that low levels of vitamins like B12 can contribute to anxiety and fatigue.

Most of all, I talk about how I'm feeling. Staying open and honest with the people who love me has helped me to accept my feelings instead of blaming myself for them. My overall confidence has for sure improved, which has helped with my work.

I started in Customer Service here at Wise, which I loved. I got to speak to people in a way that made me comfortable, which was perfect for me. And we have a lot of internal support groups for mental health, so I have somewhere to go to talk to other people who struggle, too.

In terms of finances, I had to put in an iron fist with the help of people around me because I was going to spend everything I had…

• I have multiple accounts, so wires never get crossed. One for necessities like groceries and bills, and another high-interest account for my deep savings. I swear to god, I'm not just saying this because I work here, but I use Wise for my current account and Jars for savings and spending on little luxuries.
• I cancelled all of my subscriptions at the beginning of my financial clean-up to see which ones I needed—not wanted or liked but needed. Then, a while down the line, I resubscribed to the necessary ones.
• I stop and think about what I put in my basket before I press buy, and if I need clarification, I ask someone.
• I make looking after myself a priority.

So, that's how I keep on top of things now.

My life is in such a different place from where it was in the past, and I have a lot of joy in my life. I have a life now that stretches beyond four walls and a screen. I can still struggle a lot, but seeing that things can get better makes me think they can keep getting better, and that's a nice feeling to have.

I've been lucky to have support at home, but I want to end by saying that if you have a loved one going through something similar to what I go through, you don't know what to say… it's okay not to say anything. You can't understand what it's like when you don't suffer from mental health issues. So a simple "Hey, I see you. It's tough, let me know when you're ready. You got this" is good enough.

Organisation: Social Anxiety Alliance UK
Organisation: Anxiety UK
Book: How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, Ellen Hendriksen
Book: The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook: Proven Techniques for Overcoming Your Fears, Martin M. Antony
& Richard P. Swinson
Podcast: Social Anxiety Solutions
Podcast: The Anxiety Coaches Podcast

PS. while sharing our struggles and journies is incredibly helpful, Wise isn't an authority on Mental Health.